We
are currently working on the imagery for this proposed cartoon which
is now in an advanced state. Here is the first glimpse of our fantasy
character in his arrogant 'Kilbert' incarnation. (read on).
There are a few more samples included below in a low-res quick time
movie.
We
need to fill the following spaces –
but not with cars, with cartoons!
So stop screwing around and get on with it!
The
story (board) so far
“My
wife wants sex in the back of the car and she wants me to drive.” Rodney Dangerfield (American Comedian)
We
are thinking of creating a cartoon web site featuring a fictional
character called 'Kelvin Hilbert', with the overall
title of 'The Hilbert Space'. Those knowledgeable
on the subject of science and the geometry of physical space will
know that 'Hilbert Space' is 'a space of infinite dimensions
in which distance is preserved by making the sum of squares of coordinates
a convergent sequence'; (to the layman, this almost sounds
like a description of a cartoon series anyway). However, 'Hilbert
Space' is of crucial importance in the mathematical
formulation of 'quantum mechanics' and this idea fits in with our
character who, like 'Superman', is completely up his own arse and
uses a combination of quantum mechanics and self-hypnosis to change
from our ordinary, innocuous and intrinsically harmless character:
'Kelvin Hilbert', into 'Kilbert'
– a misogynist super-non-hero intent on using his powers to
pull women for sexual gratification and to destroy their lives.
He meets them in car parks late at night and sucks out the colour
from their very existence, like a 'life parasite', leaving them
grey and dissatisfied, just like his own 'un-superhuman form', the
fictional Kelvin. In the beginning, we tentatively called this 'darker
side' of our character 'Dilbert', just as a working title, since
it was similar to the word 'Hilbert' – but of course, there
is already an excellent and well established cartoon character called
'Dilbert', so for this and other reasons, we had to think of something
else.
The
real 'Dilbert'.
copyright of HFS inc
We almost settled for 'Dilbertman' for the anti-hero incarnation
of the character. We liked the 'Dilbert/Dilbertman' idea because
frankly, our overall character is a bit of a 'dildo' and his whole
character-concept, particularly that of the misogynist super-non-hero,
is that of a 'deceptive prick'.
In
the end, and after a great deal of thought, we decided on the name
Kilbert for the anti-hero side of our character.
Partly because we liked the letter 'K', for reasons
we will explain in a moment, and also because Kilbert
is very close in construction to 'Hilbert' and
sounds a little threatening, which is also an underlying trait of
the dark side of our character-concept.
'Kevin',
'Kevan' and the more deliciously pompous 'Kevion'
were all possibilities for the character's innocuous, lighter side,
but we felt that Kelvin was more fun than 'Kevin'
etc., and we think it lends a ray of special light to the character's
brighter side ('Kevin' was just a little too common place and boring,
like Kevan', while Kevion seemed a little over
the top). Other names considered were Kilian, Kane, Kerwin, Kingsley,
Kiefer and Kirk, among others.
There are other reasons for using the Kelvin –
and why we were generally interested in names beginning with 'K'.
There is an old book published in 1966 dealing with the philosophy
of mathematics entitled 'From Kant to Hilbert' –
which lends a pronunciation implication all of its own! It is also
where the liking for the letter 'K' came from.
The popular persona of the philosopher Kant, as a fastidious time-keeper,
is also a trait of our devious 'Kilbert' character,
as we will see later.
'From
Kant to Hilbert'
Published in 1966
Another
strong reason for the choice of Kelvin was because
of the thermodynamic absolute temperature scale: 'The Kelvin
scale' uses the letter 'K' as the unit increment.
On the Kelvin Scale, the lowest possible temperature where nothing
could be colder and no heat energy remains in a substance –
is defined as zero kelvin or 0K.
There is also something about 'absolute zero', or 'rock bottom',
that provides a further glimpse of our character concept.
The
reason we considered using 'Kevin', or 'Kevan' is the fact that
the lead letters are indicative of the material 'Kevlar', used in
bulletproof jackets. Our fictional Kelvin Hilbert,
particularly as Kilbert,has a
very thick skin, as we shall see. However, Kelvin
almost bares the same relationship – if not one better with
the letter 'L'.
Another
reason
for choosing Kelvin Hilbert, over "Kevin Hilbert"
is that 'Kevin Hilbert' is an anagram of 'The Vile Brink',
which we have used to form the basis of a suicide note for one of
our cartoon's other characters, who is brought to the 'edge' or
'brink' of sanity, by the actions of our main character (see the
scenarios later in this web site). Briefly, there is a twist between
the subtle difference between Kelvin and Kevin, as you will see.
Another
thought, which we disgarded, was to call our character 'Kevan van
Hilbert', since the mathematician who developed the concept of 'Hilbert
Space' (David Hilbert) was German. The anti-hero incarnation would
then have been called "Vanman" This would
also have allowed for the possibility of him having a 'van' to have
sex in, which rendered a nice downmarket appeal to an otherwise
semi-interlectual concept, but it seemed a little over-contrived
and besides, our anti-hero only has sex in his 'conquests' cars
– it's tidier and more of a victory for him.
For the moment then, our basic character 'Kelvin Hilbert' is like
'Clark Kent' (or in this case, Clark 'Kant'. The philosopher Kant
was always looking at his watch – as is our fictional 'Kelvin
Hilbert', particularly when transformed into 'Kilbert' – and Kilbert
is very definitely a 'Kant' in every way, if you will pardon the
misogynistic, homophonic pun).
Man
and Superman
“Infidelity
in woman is a masculine trait” Katherine
Anne Porter
While
on the subject of philosophy, the reader may also be aware
of a work by George Bernard Shaw entitled 'Man and Superman'
based on the philosophical concept expounded by philosopher
Friedrich Nietzsche of 'The Übermensch' or 'superman'
in the book 'Thus Spoke Zarathustra'. Here, the eponymous
protagonist contends a man can become 'super-human' by using
his will power 'creatively' to overcome nihilism
and re-evaluate old ideals or create new ones and also 'destructively'
in the rejection of social ideals and moral codes. He also
uses will power for a process of 'self-overcoming' –
or the lack of it – for coming over himself, in the
case of our character (see the scenarios).
In
short, our 'Kelvin Hilbert', instead of going into phone boxes
and becoming 'Superman' and saving the world, goes instead
to car parks late at night to rendezvous with women and becomes
a super-non-hero intent on screwing them and their world (visiting
their 'box', as it were) – more 'Man and Sperm' than
'Superman'...
Later, while masterbating, he dreams that one day every car
park will have a 'Hilbert Space' reserved just for him.
*
At
this point, we should reiterate that we came up with the name
'Hilbert' for our central character partly because of it's
relationship to quantum mechanics, as explained above, and
also because of the 'Hilbert Space' – 'Parking Space'
idea and the 'squares' etc. The name 'Kelvin' was chosen purely
for the other reasons given above and for no other reason.
While we can't believe that anyone would be stupid enough
to want to associate themselves with this undesirable character,
there are men, supermen and madmen out there, so we feel we
must strongly maintain that: this
site and it's concept is not based on real persons, living
or dead or somewhere in between. See the disclaimer below)– Having said that, the publicity would do wonders
at the launch – so perhaps we should encourage the real
'Slim Shady' (should he exist) to please stand up?
Don Juan in Hell
"Men
are not punished for their sins, but by them." — Elbert Hubbard, American entrepreneur and philosopher
(founder of the Roycroft firm) (1856-1915) and 'Bunny Boiler' weekly
George
Bernard Shaw's play 'Man and Superman', based on Nietzsche's 'Superman'
contains a long third act referred to as 'Don Juan in Hell'. It
consists of a philosophical debate between Don Juan and the Devil
with another character present, Ann (who seeks to marry him) and
the Statue of her father looking on.
The
legend of Don Juan says that he is an unrepentant womanizer who
seduces women by disguising himself as their actual lovers. He leaves
a trail of broken hearts and angry husbands and fathers behind him.
Having seduced a girl of noble family and also having killed her
father he eventually stumbles across a statue of her father in a
cemetery and arrogantly invites it to dine with him. Later, the
statue turns up to accept the invitation and after asking to shake
Don Juan's hand, it drags him away to Hell.
These
dark scenarios, particularly with the implication of final Karma,
suit our cartoon character well and later you will see our suggested
scenario in nine parts. Our 'Kelvin Hilbert' is definitely a 'would-be-womaniser'
who uses self-hypnosis to strengthen his will power to get what
he wants – not being a natural philanderer. Interestingly,
there is also a play by George Bernard Shaw called 'The Philanderer'.
It was published as 'Plays Unpleasant' in 1898, because
its purpose is not to entertain its audience – but
to put them off the idea of Philandering – let's hope our
cartoon both entertains and puts people off! After all,
what we are trying to achieve here is not just a dark and gloomy
adult cartoon but also a morality tale with a bit of fun attached.
Our
Character's Character and
its effect on women
"There
will always be karma to be taken care of." Nina Hagen
Although
not a natural 'lover boy', women quite like our 'good old' soft
spoken 'Kelvin'. Even as 'Kilbert' he seems as soft as their pants
and they just can't resist allowing him to introduce himself to
them. The aftermath, though, is much more disappointing. It is soon
apparent to these women that 'Kilbert's' only idea of romance is
a three minute shag in the back of their car – and
not even a cup of tea to go with it – no romance at all really
– just a soft man with a hard dick, whom they eventually see
as a hard man with a soft dick.
He
initially seduces women by pestering them wherever they are trapped
and have to listen to him, such as behind shop counters, in lifts
and at reception desks. He gives them a box of hypnotic chocolates
and they listen to him droning on about his miserable life, his
lost chances of promotion at work, his allegedly horrible family
who hate him, and his demanding wife, whom he says he resents. Eventually,
these vulnerable, bamboozled women feel sorry for him and agree
to meet him – again he has them trapped, this time in a gloomy
car park in the back of a car, but there's nothing in it for them
but a boring old jerk who looks at his watch, slips on a condom
and forgets how useless he is for a few minutes. Using them to bolster
his flagging ego, which has only shown a flicker of hope due to
the self-hypnosis techniques he got from a book and his misguided
mastery of quantum mechanics. Better men would have just built a
time machine and thrown the watch away!
By
the time these women return home they have not only been screwed
by him physically they have been screwed metaphysically. Any colour
they brought to his life, he has sucked out of them like a quantum
vampire. They now have a secret which jars on their inner soul –
In short, they want to be more than just a bit on the side –
a lump of flesh, kept secret in the back of a car.
Of
course, when something jars it vibrates and sends out irritating
and involuntary waves by default – subatomic particles flashing
around the universe have a habit of exposing secrets – a frown
in the wrong place, tapping fingers on a mobile phone – they
all add whispers to the grapevine of electrons, neutrons and quarks.
Soon these women are outcasts in their own lives. Often they were
never really totally dissatisfied with their original partners –
they just wanted some space and mistakenly chose 'Hilbert Space'.
Essentially
though, their husbands or partners find out because 'Kilbert' wants
them to. It's part of his game – icing on the cake for a 'would-be
alfa male'. The 'Kelvin Hilbert' side of him would rather keep it
all a secret just in case his wife finds out, but his ego won't
allow it – it loves to wallow in the pain of 'wronged men'.
The car park infidelities are heartbreaking and bring a whole new
meaning to the phrase "Excuse me mate, I think you're parked
in my space". Love does sometimes prevail for these defiled
couples, but mostly the women are baffled, stunned, confuse and
shunned. Rejected by their original partners and by 'Kilbert', they
lose control of their heads, lose their charisma and their sense
of worth – lose their sense of purpose – along with
their sense of place in their own lives – in short, they experience
a social and metaphysical breakdown.
Sometimes
their partners find other women to help mend their broken hearts
– hopefully ones that haven't also been shagged senseless by
'Kilbert'. Their neighbours and work colleagues shun them too, talking
behind their backs and saying things like: "She's had Kilbert's
cock and his box of hypnotic chocolates, there's no going back now!".
The
real pain though is within themselves. It starts when the 'secret
life' of gloomy car-parks begins – when the abuse of being
cajoled to keep quiet about their new found freedom puts them in
a brand new box – a dark one with no windows or way out –
an infinite 'Hilbert Space' that elbows everything else aside like
a fat cuckoo – a space however huge, they just can't acknowledge.
It progresses relentlessly to feelings of rejection and frustration
– these women sometimes become 'bunny boilers' following our
fictional 'Kelvin Hilbert' around and threatening to kill his rabbits
instead of facing up to the fact that they would rather kill him
– women can be so frighteningly indirect. They even attempt
suicide sometimes and have to go into counselling. It's a comic
cartoon this, but an adult one and essentially quite a dark...
'Kilbert'
is safe, of course. He knows, or acknowledges little of all the
stress and havoc he causes and cares less. Protected by the law
he can't be beaten to a pulp (not even in pulp fiction). He lets
his victims take all the flack and somehow ironically contrives
to make them the victims of their actual partners and themselves.
He himself is untouchable, a figment of Kelvin's 'quantum imagination'
(or 'tiny little mind' to the layman).
On
the other hand, 'Kelvin', as 'Kilbert's' stooge, always has to look
over his shoulder, just in case one of those 'wronged men', who
don't like how he's screwed up their lives and interfered in their
relationships decides to confront him. This adds potential action
and some threatening tension to the plot. Even we, the creators,
drool over the possibilities of 'Kilbert's' demise at the hands
of one of these jealousy driven cuckolds – a crime of passion
where someone gets to the square root of his boring little life
and multiplies its content beyond manageable proportions. Karma
is all about revenge really – especially in a cartoon world,
with cartoon laws and cartoon mathematics. For instance: 'me' ('Kelvin
Hilbert's' favourite word) = 'I' or 'eye' and an 'eye for an eye'
expressed as a square root equation: eye x eye = seen to! There's
plenty of scope there for a cartoon 'wronged man' to ring his 'cartoon
neck'... or a wronged woman for that matter.
Meanwhile,
'Kelvin Hilbert' drools over the sexual memory of his naive conquests
naked in the back of their car (he doesn't like the stains
and smells in his own). He has another cigarette, grows some more
age lines in his leathery smoked halibut face and hopes his next
'Kilbert fix' will help him look like a man when he next shaves.
Our
fictional 'Kelvin Hilbert' is a joke – a cartoon, sometimes
not very funny. Sometimes a warning to fools who would normally
fear to tread but occasionally trip over their own ponderous feet.
But his actions as 'Kilbert' are far from helpful in a difficult
world governed by Karma which, rather than superman's
Kryptonite, will finally destroy him.
The
dark side
"Whoso
diggeth a pit shall fall therein." Proverbs
We
have already touched upon a very dark side, of course, but I suppose,
so far as his own life goes, the 'Kelvin Hilbert' part of our character
is a bit of a Walter Mitty. His effect on other people is one thing,
but we must never, when building a character discard the effect
he has on himself. He is certainly digging a pit while standing
in it and apart from the emotional and sex based side of this cartoon
character there is much scope for interesting stories and cameos
which evolve around his inbuilt talent for accidental misadventure.
Speaking of digging a pit, there is a crater on the moon called
'Hilbert' (named after David Hilbert who developed the mathematics
behind the idea and application of 'Hilbert space.
Hilbert Crater
from Apollo 15. NASA photo.
'Hilbert
Crater ' oddly enough is on the dark side of the
moon, near the 'terminator' (or edge of light and dark) at 17.9°
S, 108.2° E and cannot therefore be observed from earth –
a bit like our 'Kelvin' (not on his cartoon planet). It has a diameter
of 151 km and its depth is unknown – again, a bit like 'Kelvin'.
In
the film Superman IV: The Quest for Peace. There is an anti-hero
version of Superman who is created from Superman's DNA. This adversary
is called 'Nuclear-man' and Superman tries to destroy him on the
dark side of the moon. Since Nuclear-man gets all his energy from
the sun, Superman leaves Nuclear man 'parked' in a lift in the darkness
but he is too close to the terminator and escapes via the power
of sunlight. Superman finally destroys him by throwing Nuclear Man
into the core of a nuclear power plant – live by the sun,
die by the sun – that's Karma for you. Our fictional 'Kelvin
Hilbert' is more like 'unclear' man, of course, who's karma will
more likely manifest itself in a 'heartof
darkness attack' – as we will see from
the scenarios that follow.
We
are now producing some sample images to illustrate the scenarios
below.
This quicktime movie is a low res selection of a few of them.
The
Scenario for the proposed cartoon:
Episode
1:
Kelvin's
wife is very demanding. She has headaches and won't come out
of the house –– not with him anyway. Besides,
although she is European, she is obsessed with the cult of
the Geisha, and dresses like one, which looks a bit odd at
the supermarket. One day, when out doing the shopping with
the kids, Kelvin finds a book on self-hypnosis. This could
be good, he thinks. He needs to raise his self-esteem
a bit and the book says it will improve his chances of promotion
at work and help him with his sex life. Since he is generally
overlooked and is not getting sex at home, Kelvin buys the
book. "Thank God for that" says his smallest child.
Can we go home now? We've been stood here two hours. "Had
to make sure", says Kelvin. "The value of these
books is deceptive". "But you've only been staring
at the cover dad", says the child, "and why has
it got a naked woman on the front?". "She's a 'Doctor
of Hypnosis' and she's wearing underwear," replies Kelvin.
"Why are you such a procrastinating wanker, Dad?",
says the eldest child. "Don't use words like that",
demands soft spoken Kelvin, as demandingly as he can muster".
"What? 'procrastinating', Dad", says the child.
"No, wanker", says Kelvin. "Sorry, Dad, I got
it from Mum". Kelvin sinks. "Look, your Mother is
a very demanding woman, you don't know what she's like!".
"Of course, I do, Dad, she's my Mum. Besides, sometimes
I don't know what you're like!".
Later
that night when all are asleep, Kelvin has a wank and as always,
he feels worthless afterwards. A small voice in his head,
perhaps the beginnings of the alter-ego that will become 'Kilbert'
suggests that he had already felt worthless anyway, so no
problem. Kelvin shrugs his shoulders and then reads the book
he bought which tells him it's alright to wank. Kelvin feels
better and has another wank to prove it, then falls asleep
with his knob out. The books falls open at the next chapter
– chapter one now being stuck together. Chapter Two
is entitled: 'It's alright to wank, but much better when
a women does it for you – we'll show you how!"
Poor Kelvin. Off to a bad start already.
Episode
2:
Kelvin's
next door neighbour, July, an attractive woman with big tits,
is parading around her garden and Kelvin is watching her from
the window contemplating a wank. His growing alter-ego 'Kilbert',
suggests he refer back to Chapter Three, of his book, entitled:
"Wanking is the easy option. Go out there and give
'em one!". Having hypnotized himself with a naked
flame in front of his face, just a few hours earlier, Kelvin
goes outside to try it out for the first time. His wife, who
is lying down with a headache, suddenly feels much better
hearing the door close behind him. When one door closes another
one opens, she thinks, and logs on to an internet chat line
to talk about headaches.
Out
in the garden, Kelvin uses his new found powers to talk to
July. He has been advised by the book to be confident, direct,
courteous and to make the 'woman' feel special. Kelvin begins:
"Ha, another woman named after a month?", he says,
brightly, "like April and June!". "You know
how to make a girl feel special, don't you – not.",
she replies, with a hint of sarcasm, then continues,"Mmm,
let's see, Kelvin – another man named after a pillock".
"I'll have you know that the name 'Kelvin' has no less
than eight variants: Kellven, Kelvan, Kelven, Kelvon....".
"What the hell are you doing?", butts in his alter-ego,
Kilbert, "Do you want a shag or not? Tell her she's lovely,
for God's sake.". "You are lovely, for God's sake.",
repeats Kelvin, parrot fashion. July thinks that Kelvin is
criticising her for her sharpness and softens a little. "Sorry
Kelvon, or Klevercant, whatever. I didn't mean to be funny,
I know you meant well".
Later
that night, Kelvin contemplates his progress and has a wank
thinking about July's knockers. He falls asleep with his knob
out.
Episode
3:
Kelvin
has been having an affair with July for a few months now (including
the months of April and June) and often nips next door, as
'Kilbert', for a shag. Her husband is away a lot working elsewhere.
Meanwhile, his wife is obsessed with the internet and logs
on whenever he's out. However, July's bed head is against
the wall that butts up to Kelvin's wife's computer room next
door and eventually his wife puts two and two together and
makes... Kelvin, July and next doors house number into a common
denominator. She decides to complain. Well, how can a girl
chat about headaches with all that banging going on!
There
is soon a big argument and eventually July moves out and goes
to live in another country taking her big tits with her. Kelvin's
family get to know all about the affair and he, 'having let
Mum down', becomes an outcast among them. "What else
is new?" remarks the elder child.
Later
that night Kelvin has a wank and falls asleep with his knob
out. Later still, Kilbert wakes up and wanks it again, but
this time in a thoughtful, cat-stroking, almost head-scratching
or chin rubbing manner. Mmm, now it's time to ruin other peoples
lives, just like I've ruined my own, he thinks. Kelvin is fast
on, but agrees anyway.
Episode
4:
Kelvin,
in order to make amends, has told his wife that he has dabbled
in self-hypnosis and it's not his fault. "You dabbled,
it's your fault", says his wife, ..and hand over that
cigarette lighter you've been using on yourself before you
singe your hair again". He hands over the lighter and
his wife sets fire to the book. "Just be thankful it's
not your knob," she says.
"How
did you find out", Kelvin asks. "Well, apart from
all the banging against the wall, I used to look in on you
at night. You always used to fall asleep with your knob out,
then it stopped for a while. I grew suspicious.
Episode
5:
Kelvin
has read and absorbed the book anyway and his alter-ego 'Kilbert'
is strong and well developed now and doesn't need a cigarette
lighter in the face to rekindle itself. However, Kelvin buys
a box of matches just in case and also to light his actual
cigarettes with.
Later
that night he smokes and wanks simultaneously in total defiance
of everyone: his wife, he alter-ego, his past, and his future
victims. "Calm down," says 'Kilbert', "try
smoking cannabis now and again instead.". "Where
can I get it?" asks Kelvin, talking to himself. "Your
wife has it for her headaches.". "Mmm I knew that.".
Kelvin
enters the bedroom. His wife is asleep on the bed with her
fanny out. Kelvin pulls down her nightie and leaves. That's
one 'Hilbert Space' that won't be getting filled, he thinks.
She thinks the same and has left it out to put him off. –
two fannies named Hilbert don't mix.
He
smokes cannabis and tries to wank. His knob goes limp. He
leaves it out and falls asleep anyway. Hey... it just seemed
the right thing to do, man.
Episode
6:
Kelvin
enters a public building and using his children as a cover,
'innocently' chats up the receptionist. His recent use of
self-hypnosis has helped him get around the fact that he is
basically a nerd. After weeks of his pestering the poor woman
she becomes embarrassed and tells him, politely, not to bother
coming in again because the manager is also her husband and
he's noticed. She says they have a good thing going and she
doesn't want to spoil anything. Undeterred, and with the courage
of his hypnosis techniques from the book called: 'How
to convince women you're a good man and therefore a good shag...
and how to get on at work too' he 'sneaks' back in and
gives her his phone number and some hypnotic chocolates: "...I
miss talking to you," he says. She is not quite sure
whether she misses listening to him but the chocolates are
yummy!
Her
husband is a busy man, doing his best to make the business
work against difficult odds. He gets a bit grumpy sometimes
but the last thing he needs is someone trying to get into
his wife's pants. During a time of mutual stress she dials
Kelvin's phone number and they agree to meet. He softens her
up with more stories of his miserable life and his allegedly
miserable wife, then finally becomes 'Kilbert' and shags her
senseless in the back of her own car. Later, she goes home
senseless and stays that way – she even dyes her hair
blonde.
Without
her help and positive input, her husband's business fails
and their whole world is thrown into utter confusion and turmoil.
It disintegrates despite their best efforts – Kelvin
Hilbert as 'Kilbert' is a knob-shaped wedge between them –
in financial difficulty, she can no longer even afford to
have her hair done!
Eventually
Kelvin hears of this destruction (women are like that) and
he informs his alter-ego by smoking funny cigarettes to get
in touch. His alter-ego just tells him to have a wank and
forget it. "They deserved it," he says."How
dare they be a lovely, successful, happy couple when you are
just a turd with a horrible nagging family". Kelvin agrees
with himself. From now on it's all 'Kelvin Hilbert' –
me, me, me... He even starts his own website with that title.
Episode
7:
Cause
and effect rules. The receptionist becomes so disturbed she
attempts suicide by taking an overdose of Anadin. This is
partly a cry for help aimed at her husband, who comes to her
aid by dialling 999 for an ambulance and reassuring her that
because of all the Anadin at least she will not need to go
on the internet and discuss headaches like all those other
women.
She
finally comes to her senses, such as she has left, but cannot
completely accept rejection and starts her own 'time of the
monthly' magazine called 'The Bunny Boiler Room'. Her office
is deep in the basement of an unspecified building where she
stokes up the heating with tons of imported rabbits.
Her
husband is a broken man. He sits in a darkened room dribbling
goo from his mouth like the Alien when it is just about to
punch a hole in its victim's head. He thinks of nothing else
but 'Kelvin Kilbert Hilbert'. He joins the nutter club and
creates a repetitive song which goes: "Kilbert, Kilbert,
Kelvin Hilbert. Kilbert, Kilbert, Kelvin Hilbert..."He
sings it all day long, thinking of nothing but Kelvin.
He
will eventually commit suicide by jumping off a cliff after
leaving a note saying:
"THE VILE BRINK"
which
is a clue to the identity of man he considers his 'murderer',
because "The Vile Brink" (the 'brink' of sanity
he arrived at and also the cliff edge he threw himself off)
is simply an anagram of 'Kevin Hilbert' – 'Kelvin
Hilbert' without the 'L'. He thought
it a clever twist that the person who had caused him absolute
'Hell' should have the letter "L'
removed from his name.
Meanwhile,
he finds out all he can about our character. He knows where
he lives. He knows something about him. He knows he falls
asleep in the chair with his knob out and that it makes no
difference because there was always a prick in the room anyway.
Episode
8:
There
are many tales of destruction, pain and interference in the
Kelvin Hilbert 'Kilbert' story over the next several years
of cartoons, but the ending is wonderful. Total realisation
is about to call upon our fictional 'Kelvin Hilbert' when he
learns that one of his conquests was not all she seemed –
so feminine and tiny and sweet, but there was always something
odd about her. The roughness of her skin, the exaggerated
tweetiness of her voice – yes it was true – the
operation she had in the 1990's , which she said was a Hysterectomy
was really a sex change operation. Kelvin had shagged a man
by mistake!
Kilbert
takes over Kelvin's existence immediately and tries to quell
the situation by convincing him it was a "good shag",
but Kelvin is having none of it. He argues bitterly with himself
most of the night and then finally falls asleep in the chair
with his knob out – well, out of sorts, anyway.
Episode
9:
Next
morning Kelvin is distraught. Inconsolable. "Why not try
counselling?", suggests Kilbert, his alter-ego, "You've
caused everyone else to have it.". "That was you,
you swine!", says Kelvin, throwing up in the toilet.
Kelvin
is sick a great deal that morning and eventually both he and
Kilbert agree that it must be morning sickness – Kelvin
is pregnant. "I can't understand it," moans Kelvin,
"I always wore a condom – That's what comes of
screwing with another man...". He whines on, helplessly
retching like John Hurt in the 'Alien' movie. "...and
screwing with a man's wife too!". "No, it's worse
than that," says Kilbert, "Your chest is about to
explode from the inside and its not just a heart attack.".
"Really?"
asks Kelvin, his mouth now dripping with the thick, sickly
goo of possible Karmahria. "Really!", confirms Kilbert.
"You're on your own – I'm off...". But before
'Kilbert' can leave Kelvin's conscience, he is forced out through
Kelvin's broken rib bones in the shape of a shiny, wet, plastic
penis. At last, Kilbert has realised his true goal in life
– he is officially an alienated prick!
...and
cartoon 'Kelvin Hilbert' is the fictional f*****'s mother.
*
All's
well that ends well
"But,
if you're thinkin' about my baby it don't matter if you're black
or white." Michael Jackson
Shakespeare's
play, 'All's well that ends well' is, in modern parlance,
a play about a 'bunny boiler'. This time the trickery is on the
other foot and again it is eventually the man – Count Bertram
(or 'Hil-bertram' as we might know him) who falls foul of the woman.
Helena
is a woman besotted by a man of higher birth and forces him to marry
her by saving the King's life – the King grants Bertram's
hand in marriage to Helena as a reward. Bertram himself decides
he would rather die in battle and avoids her by going off to war
– saying he would only be her true love if she fulfills certain
requirements, which he is sure she cannot meet – one being
that she has a child of which he is the father. Using cunning and
trickery, she succeeds (remember Kelvin Hilbert giving birth to the
alien version of Kilbert). Confounded, he is forced to promise to
be her faithful husband.
This
play is one of shakespeare's so called 'problem plays' because although
it is categorised as a comedy, it might be better to consider it
a tragedy Mmm, ring any bells?
A
Solar Eclipse.
A
Shakespeare play that is certainly a tragedy and helps us understand
the 'Kilbert' Character better is 'Othello' – a play about
black and white, dark and light. The white soldier character 'Iago'
is the darkness. The eponymous tragic figure 'Othello' is merely
black – a Moor nobleman who is tricked by Iago into believing
that 'Cassio', his lieutenant, is having an affair with Othello's
new wife 'Desdemona'. Iago paints a dark picture of Othello: as
a "barbary horse" that "covers" Desdemona, or
a "black ram", horned and animalistically "tupping"
her (Act I, scene i, l. 108, ll. 85-86).
In
short, the 'darkness' destroys Desdemona's image as a loving, faithful
wife and Othello kills her by smothering her with a pillow, regretting
his action instantly and eventually killing himself. Here, Shakespeare
attempts to turn preconceived ideas on their head. The big black
'smothering ogre' that is Othello becomes the victim of a greater
darkness. In our cartoon, 'Kilbert' is the darkness who does the
"tupping", who smothers the beauty and light of the women
he uses by eclipsing them with his body and later, with his nagging,
yet distant presence – the 'Kelvin Hilbert' side, who, just
like the moon – is to all intents and purposes a calm, bright
figure – well out of reach.
Thankfully,
our dark cartoon will have jokes in it and will be funny, in the
meantime though, someone invented a game about this play, just to
lighten things up...
...
There you have it then – from storyboard to board game.
*
The
Story board, video treatment
and television rights
“Physical
infidelity is the signal, the notice given, that all fidelities
are undermined.” Katherine Anne Porter
Update:
We are very busy at the moment working on the development of this
cartoon – currently producing some frames to illustrate the
various characters and basic story-boarding for the above scenarios.
These will appear as pop-ups on this site very shortly. It is initially
proposed that this be a web-based cartoon, and why not, it could
become a world wide cult just in that form. However, although we
are not intending to make money from this work, we will eventually,
given the cartoon's success, perhaps consider offers for television
and book rights.
As
an added interest, since this is a web-based cartoon, we thought
it might be interesting to bring our character to life by giving
him his own 'personal' web site for a bit of fun, which we will
design later when the character is fully realised.
*
Disclaimer
and copyright information
Any
names mentioned in this web site should be regarded as totally fictional
in actuality, intent, purpose and usage and are not based on any
person living or dead or any person or establishment based in other
copyright material or other material or persons that may exist in
public fact and/or record. Any perceived likeness should be regarded
as purely coincidental.
The
graphical representations and their content on this page exist purely
for scenic and narrative purposes and do not constitute a basis
of fact beyond the realms of this web site in as much as they concern
this web site. They must be regarded as purely fictional in design
and representation or used in representation or illustration of
their immediate text.
The
Dilbert image is the copyright of HFS inc
The
image of 'Hilbert Crater' and the 'Solar Eclipse' is the copyright
of NASA
To
comment on any aspect of this web site, please e-mail the 'The Bunny
Boiler Room': janitor@bunnyboiler
